masquerade; paper faces on parade

Friday, June 30, 2006

i don't think i've ever been so unhappy.

not sad, or depressed, just unhappy.

well.

love hurts. i'm serious. it's like a lemon tea with too much honey and lemon juice in it, it burns right through your heart. and the pain stays. it's like a dried lemon rolled in sugar, sweet and beautiful, bitter when you chew the rind, pucker-your-mouth sour.

that day. that sweet, sweet day. when we could talk. normally. you handed me that innocent, child's plaything. my nerves stopped me from taking it. did you want me to? even if you've never liked me, at least there was the friendship. for one day.

because after the last act, i couldn't see those dark, warm eyes anymore. nor the smile. you just, well, left.

why? i don't understand. was it me? something i did? something you remember about me? or something you remember that i did to you?

those countless times, those times when i rebuked you, when i fought you, when i spat at you like a cat. i won't say, "i can explain." at least not yet. i want to, though. i just don't know why i did those things either.

jealousy. this evil substance has been smearing itself all over me ever since, well, you know. it's so sticky and slimy, it's hard to get off, much as i try. my eyes may be black, but they'll soon be turning green. they've been turning green so much, the colour's got to be permanent anytime soon.

i'm tired. just, simply exhausted. my face's been trained to keep neutral, everytime i hear how you will protect *her*, when i see you and *her* working so closely, when you get along so well with everyone. except me, that is. my arms are sore from mopping up my tears.

in the early morning of this year, we were still talking. like friends should. and a holiday seems to change so much. i just want to be your friend. is that too much?

ever since the curtain closed on me, a single question has been running through my head. do you know? i really wonder if you do. it's the only logical explanation for why you're talking less. so, even if you do know, i really hope to still be your friend.

james. he told me that i should look behind the pain, dig deeper into the wound, find the hidden JOY. i want to believe him. i really do. but i'm finding it tough. i am holding the scalpel in my hand, but i can't bring myself to probe into this wide, gaping wound in my heart.

i want to see JOY from pain.

i believe it's beautiful.

12:15 PM

Thursday, June 29, 2006

You Who made the mountains

and the sea

Measured out the universe and

You made me

Echoes of the voice that called the

worlds to be

Reach through the ages and now

speak to me

You're my Creator King

You Who made the valleys

and the skies

Displayed Your love on far horizons and

before my eyes

You Who lit the stars and set the

dawn in time

Called them all by name and now

You whisper mine

You're my Creator King

Who am I that You are mindful of me

Who am I that You sent Your love on me

You're my Creator King

You Who made the darkness

and the light

Sun and moon to watch the day and

guard the night

The hand that stretched the heavens

like a canopy

Reaches down to cover and

watch over me

You're my Creator King

My Creator King

You're my Creator King

Creator King

Kathryn Scott

9:35 AM

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Hunger surrounds me
I crawl towards food camp
Vulture awaits nearby

No strength to shoo it
I peel the tree bark
The only meal of the day

Why do people in the outside world
Throw away food
Fallen on the floor

They curse their books as boring
School's a pain for them
Do they think they have no luck?

Save me
From the eternal poverty
Save me
From this terrible hunger
Save me
From this famine forgotten

Mothers cook for them
But they prefer takeout
My mummy has nothing to cook

Hours spent combing hair
Choosing clothes
Sun burns my skin as cloth

What is this square they call a computer?
My brothers scratch circles on trees
My sisters draw triangles on the sand

5 million people
Suffering on the Horn
Does no one care?

3:33 AM

Monday, June 19, 2006

50 random questions, taken off Millie's blog.

1.How are you feeling today? [Depressed.]

2. Do you like having your picture taken? Why or why not? [Yes, but I usually spoil them. The pictures, I mean.]

3. What is the craziest thing you have ever done? [Dance chachacha in full view of nearly all the Razzmatazz cast. I nearly died.]

4. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Why? [Harry Potter. I never quite understood LOTR. At least not yet.]

5. Have you ever done a jigsaw puzzle? How many pieces? [Yup. 50 pieces, I think.]

6. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? [Heaven? I'd like to meet God! =) ]

7. Write the first word/phrase that pops in your mind when I say... DUDE! [Like, far out man...]

8. What is your favourite dessert? [Chocolate! Yum.]

9. Name someone you would never forget even if you suffer from brain concussion. [Ma. And maybe...]

10. Do you own any pets? [20 fish & 10 prawns. Pa robbed me of all of them.]

11. Describe the nicest thing someone has ever done for you. [Julie helped me get back on my feet after the horrible HS thingum. Thanks!]

12. Do you have any siblings? [Younger sister Mei. Love ya!]

13. What colour are most of your clothes? [Brown! DElicious.]

14. Have you ever written any songs? [two-penny roses, golden green, all your little cliques...countless, all not set to music. yet.]

15. Tell me about your dream last night. [I don't remember.]

16. Who do you currently fancy? [*ahem*]

17. Are you easily influenced by other people, or current trends? [A bit.]

18. Name your best quality. [Writing! I love writing.]

19. Name your worst quality. [So many, it can get embarrassing.]

20. Can you do different accents? [Yup! I can do Goldilocks From Hong Kong, which totally kills my sis.]

21. Ever seriously questioned your sanity? [Yeah, sometimes I seriously wonder why I do such things.]

22. How long do you take to shower? [15 mins max.]

23. Do you like hats/caps? [No. My head needs to breathe.]

24. What sports have you never played but desperately want to? [Gymnastics!]

25. When I say gun you say...? [BANG!]

26. TV or Radio? [TV!]

27. Have you ever actually fell in love with an imaginary character? [Aslan!]

28. What is the most daring thing someone did for you? [I don't think I'm worth anything daring to be done for me. No one's done anything that can be really called daring. *shrugs*]

29. How many CDs do you own? ['bout 8.]

30. Describe your perfect day. [Beautiful sunrise, beautiful sunset, perfect stars. With *ahem* by my side.]

31. Gum or Chocolate? [Chocolate!]

32. Name someone who has made your life a lot better. [Jules! =) ]

33. Name your favourite type of music. Why? [It's got to be dance, or PD. I can't get enough of it. Yum.]

34. Cats or Dogs? [Cats. Hey, they don't slobber that much.]

35. Motorbikes or Cars? [Motorbikes. Va-vroom!]

36. How many mirrors do you have? [Two.]

37. Have you ever tried canoeing? [No. (Sad.)]

38. Any instruments you know how to play? [Recorder. Now stop laughing.]

39. Have you ever said lol in real life without thinking about it? [Yes, quite a bit. Quite disgusting, really.]

40. Do you believe in love at first sight? [Yupp!]

41. Can you eat when people are staring at you? [Grr, no.]

42. What do you do online? [Blog, listen to music, game and chat.]

43. Ever written something on your forehead? [No. I mean, it's oily enough.]

44. Can you dance? [Sure! And I love it.]

45. Have you ever tried drinking up from your nose? [Bleh, no. Not since the Victoria thingy, I don't think I ever want to try.]

46. Would you rather burn to death, freeze to death, starve to death or cry to death? [Cry to death. It's good for you, you know. I mean the crying.]

47. If you knew that the world was ending in 24 hours, what would you do? [Hug Ma. Hug Pa. Hug Mei. Hug Joolee. Hug Wenyan. Hug Weili. Hug *him*.]

48. What colour are your favourite shoes? [White.]

49. What did you aspire to be when you were a kid. [Animal trainer!]

50. Name your no.1 passion in life. [Literature.]

1:28 PM

a birthday card
some beads
my first camera
plastic Santa off a cake
Barbie's old dress
broken hairclips
an old receipt
a wallet
my baby bear, Chocolate
crumpled letters
a hurting note
scribbled ideas

these things i have loved
bits and pieces
of my life
showcased in no other museum
but my own
reminding me of
my past
showing me
my present
guiding me to
my future

how much
costs this admission fee
that no one else will pay
no one but me
i alone understand
enough
and will hold this museum dear
to my heart

inspirated by joolee
thanksluvya, jules

i wouldn't have thought of it as a museum if u hadn't said so. =)

1:05 PM

Sunday, June 11, 2006

i once told you
i loved the rain
i loved the gloomy skies

you said rain made
you think; made
you ponder about this world

hold out your hand
won't you
and let me hold it
together we will
walk beneath the gray skies
like we did before

i'll show you how the rain
makes me think too
whether you love me
like you'd never know
if behind these gloomy skies
the sun is shining

help me believe
the sunlight always shines
behind these gloomy skies

1:36 PM

it was raining outside
that day
when you rushed in to take shelter
and i met you

i stood at the counter
looking at you
you asked me
if i could recommend anything to eat

i passed you the menu
and told you
if you wanted
i could make you banana pancakes

i'll make you banana pancakes
drizzled with maple syrup
this cold rainy day
our warm maple morning

we became
fast friends
often taking a stroll
under our rainy skies

then one day we quarrelled
over nothing
this cold war
weapons of words

i burnt your pancakes
on purpose the next day
gave you no maple syrup
no more warmth

i'll make you banana pancakes
drizzled with maple syrup
this cold rainy day
our warm maple morning

soon we were
talking again
and i felt ashamed
over my childish ways

the next day
i made you pancakes again
plus the maple
and pushed them towards you

you smiled at me
and went to sit down
i saw you starting on the pancakes
but will you still eat them with

our banana maple morning

3:44 AM

Sunday, June 4, 2006

found a fun quiz on wsn's blog. list the names of 20 people you know at random. then answer the questions that follow.

this is gonna be fun...

1) Sean

2) Weili

3) Julie

4) Mei

5) Michelle Chiu

6) Ma

7) Pa

8) Joel

9) Kennedy

10) Jiang Wei

11) Jia Hao

12) Ben Lam

13) Kandace

14) Michelle Leong

15) Wenyan

16) Mrs Carolin Tan

17) Gregory

18) Joey

19) Grace

20) Xinyu

1. How did you meet 14? [salsa! yay!]

2. What would you do if you've never met 1? [whoa. loss of a good friend.]

3. What would you do if 20 and 9 dated? [this is interesting.]

4. Did you ever like 19? [she's a girl. as a friend, yes.]

5. Would 6 and 17 make a good couple? [no one touch my MA.]

6. Describe 3. [NICE!]

7. Do you think 8 is attractive? [not bad.]

8. Tell me something about 7. [great. :)]

9. Do you know any of 12's family? [nope.]

10. What is 9's favourite? [um, talking? :P]

11. What would you do when 18 confesses that he/she likes you? [lol.]

12. What language(s) does 15 speak? [english and chinese.]

13. Who is 9 going out with? [yinxiu! lol. jk.]

14. How old is 16 now? [um.]

15. When was the last time you talked to 13? [yesterday.]

16. What is 2's favourite band/singer? [*shrugs*]

17. Would you ever date 4? [what do you think?]

18. Would you ever date 7? [what do you think?!]

19. Is 5 single? [eh, dont talk about it. :P]

20. What is 10's last name? [sim.]

21. Would you ever be in a serious relationship with 11? [dots.]

22. What school does 3 go to? [twemasek sec.]

23. Where does 6 live? [with me!]

24. What is your favourite thing about 5? [likes to laugh.]

2:12 PM

i'm really not used to seeing a big clump of words on my blog.

anyway

i realised the song "Zhi Dui Ni Shuo" by JJ Lin is really spot-on about my heart and feelings presently, after razzmatazz where someone made me really happy. And since the security guard, blogspot, has denied access to chinese characters, and i'm not full weaned off poems,

here goes

she stands on the lonely stage

silently her shadow lies under her

music plays in her ears

over and over

the tune speaks of her joy

and pain

when you come

and leave once again

she knows full well

that you'd be gone

tomorrow

she knows that empty feeling

your wish of luck

lingers on her fingertips

threatening to fly away

so she locks it in her heart

she oftens holds her phone

sits before her computer

checks her mail

awaiting a message from you

every little message from her

to you

holds more meaning

then you'll ever discover

her smiles

stares

words

she is trying to say one thing

sarang haeyo means she loves you

if you look closely

you'll see her meaning

in her eyes

sarang haeyo means she loves you
listen carefully

she's kept that phrase a long time

just for you

she might seem used to

being apart from you

but you can't see the bleeding heart

or teary eyes

every second

every minute

she wonders

if she'll see you again

it's your adorable ways

and your smile

the way you speak to her

puts a smile on her face

sarang haeyo means she loves you

my feelings, i mean. the above is not a direct translation of "Zhi Dui Ni Shuo".

12:52 PM

i've quite enough of poems (for now). i'm sick of trying to be different (yeah right) by doing something i don't like. i'm off poems, at least for now.

but that doesn't mean i capitalise my i's. =)

anyway

razzmatazz was a blast! razzmatazznight was a lot better than razzmatazzmatinee, since the audience was a lot more enthu and the whole ambience was there.

let's not talk about razzmatazzmatinee. i couldn't do the ending pose and i fell. MALU.

and mr chan found out that i've attended shawnandgladys before. had to dance chachacha with him backstage, in full view of all the salsa dancers plus choir. doubleMALU. me and my big mouth. i should have just said i had zero dance experience.

still

we found out that i joined shawnandgladys in 2002, and he in 2003. he called me his "senior". now that is interesting. yaha.

razzmatazznight was when we all truly had fun. ben and i were shifted up onto the stage instead of starting in the aisles. we were, as joey said, "freaking nervous", but we managed to pull it off and have fun. even if we couldn't unfold our hands in time. hey, the first time we did the pose was on stage, what'd you expect? =)

we all took photos after razz, and everyone was really high. we were screaming and clapping like no tomorrow. teehee.

and someone made me really happy.

12:26 PM

razzmatazznight

a change of places
a change of routine
a new pose
a new mess
greater bundle of nerves
of what's to come
a long wait backstage
fun and laughter
sing along with the band
with every move you make
last minute rehearsals
we're almost on
wish of luck
take your places
have fun
we're on
spin and
slide
give your best
end it off
hurry off
watch the rest
perform
cheer for them
take some last photos
chatting and
hugs
one last cheer

2:23 AM

razzmatazzmatinee

it's time

and all a bundle of nerves

we take our seats

30s in

we start

on the rough carpet

when do we go up

who knows

when the song changes tempo

slippery stage

blocked stairway

hurry up

a loose shoe

and smooth floor

slide down

2:02 AM

Saturday, June 3, 2006

iseriously~~dont~~wanna

3:06 PM